Do You Feel Big, Too?

Does any of this describe you?     

  • Sometimes you cry and you don't know why, the bigness in your middle just feels so explosive and bursting.
  • You struggle to put words to your emotions.  They're so big - happy big and sad big - and they swirl around you, moving and becoming new all the time.
  • Up-down-up-down-up-down.  (Where is the middle?  There must be a middle.) 
  • Passionate.  Driven.  Emotional.  Extreme.  Opinionated.  Sensitive.
  • Art - music, paintings, words - undoes you, is often the trigger for the tears.
  • You strive - you yearn  - to embody the best of yourself, to grow and move forward, always forward.
  • You often appear social, confident, and together.  You often feel cautious, questioning, and messy.
  • This.  Does it make all of the bullets above this one flood into perfect focus?

Yeah.  Me, too.

I've struggled for most of my life to make sense of what it feels like to live inside of this head and this body.  I experience the world as an electrified space - anything, at any time, can shock me.  

It feels Big in here.

Because I'm sensitive to energy and intuitive by nature, I've always picked up on the unspoken.  When I was a child, after my parent's divorced, I'd talk to my dad on the phone most nights.  He was across town, I was sitting in my mother's house, and I could tell immediately if we were going to talk for three minutes or thirty, just by how he sounded.  "What's wrong?" I'd ask him.  "Nothing, nothing's wrong," he'd reply curtly.  Feelings happen that we're not supposed to talk about was my subtext.

Right now, I'm sitting in my bathroom writing this to you.  I'm looking at that sad, wounded girl.  She still lives inside of me, it's just that now, instead of telling her that she's weak and unimportant, I protect her.  I tell her that she deserved more than subtext.  I tell her that her grown-ups did the best they could.  She grows defiant when she hears this, which makes me smile and hug her tighter.  Because good for her, getting pissed.  Good for her.

Own your Bigness.

Roll around in it, smear it on the walls.

Your feelings are not soft, they are not weak, they are not a fucking nuisance.

It's the Big girls like us, the ones who can't contain our tears, the ones who don't want to pretend like everything's just fine, the ones who want to scream out our joys, who can change the world.

And that is not an overstatement.

Please trust me.

Pull your shoulders back, and own your space.

You were born to it.

It is yours.

*E

Emily Ballard3 Comments