F*ck Fear (Or, Why I Deleted A Post For The First Time)

I did something last night that I've never done before.

It sounds kind of small and like it doesn't matter, but it so totally matters in a big huge way and I'm like WHOA about it this morning.

I wrote a blog post, posted it, and then took it down.

I'll tell you why this is huge in a minute. First, here's the post, as she went up last night, in italics:

 

So here's the thing.

How do I turn my talent for enthusiasm into a business?

I have no idea, clearly, since I'm out here asking the ether. Well, really, I'm asking you, but I don't expect you to answer. It seems like too much to ask.

I keep asking myself what I'm really, really good at, what gets me going, what lights me right the hell up.

Here's a so-far list:

1). Getting excited. I'm really, really good at this. I squeal and giggle and might even hit you a little bit when I like what you're telling me. I get a little too loud. My hands start moving around. It's good fun.

2). Generating interesting business ideas. So I'm both excitable and good at coming up with potentially innovative business ideas. Cool, right? Problem is, these ideas don't typically jive with my current "little-kids-at-home-and-at-school" life. I'm not willing to compromise their little lives to follow my passions. And so lots of great ideas are getting temporarily back-burnered.

3). Hosting/creating events and spaces. My home is warm, inviting, and has a strict open-door policy. I try to make people feel important and and really seen. I'm strangely adept with name recall. I can create welcoming, luxe spaces when time and money permit.

4). Transparency in my writing. I'm a copycat, really, inspired by the work of gals like Glennon and Danielle and Kelle - women making a mark by putting who they are right now into a grateful world. I see them and I wanna do that, too. And so I try and sometimes succeed.

And so? What the heck do you do with a skills set like that ?

Now I think I might actually be asking you.

Care to answer? How 'bout a comment below?

xxx,
*E

PS: What a funny little post this is! I think I kind of love it. Mwah to you.

"I'm so clever and twee," I thought. "This is so searchy and humble, this me-not-knowing-what-to-be."

And you know what I think now?

FUCK THAT.

I know exactly what I'm supposed to do in the world and I'm acting like a lazy, fear-driven wanderer.

I am actively calling bullshit on myself.

I took that post down because, as much as I love you, I don't need ya'll to tell me what to be. And I'm tired of pretending to be weak and lost. That is not who I am anymore, and I couldn't stomach that version of me being so actively in the world for another second.

I am not weak and I am not lost and while I might not be an expert map reader, I am finding my way just fine with my gut and the map on my cell phone, thank you.

So here. Let's try this.

Here's me, introducing myself to the next person who says, "What do you do?"

I'm a writer and the curator of space., a downtown group space for people with things to do. It's opening in Fall 2014. I also just adore seeing the hearts of soul-centered women, so I facilitate weekend-long intensives where we gather and pour ourselves out, see what's there, and put ourselves back together, stronger at the seams. I'm a wife to a hard-working man and the mother of two little zen teachers. I really, really like what I do and my life is damn swank. How about you?

That's better, no?

I will not cower from what I know - that's fear.

Fuck fear.

It's time to embrace - truly really whole-heartedly with every bit of me embrace - that I am meant for more than wandering.

I'm not lost, dammit.

My cell phone told me so.

Love. You.
*E