I love it when a breakdown redeems itself.
It was major. It flipped every single thing on its head, and my response to it has been dramatic. I no longer exist on Facebook. I am working daily to be the kind of wife my husband currently needs and absolutely deserves - one who lets his needs come first for once. I can't fucking believe how counter-intuitive that is for me - letting him and his needs, which often look so different from mine - lead the dance. Learning how to respond to my people in the ways they need instead of in the ways that feel the most important to me - well, it's new and it's great and wow do I fuck it up sometimes. But after the fucking-it-up comes the new way of knowing how to do it better next time. And that part is pretty great.
You could say I'm a slow learner.
Or you could say that at least I'm willing to try.
I'm relying heavily on my intuition these days. She's been quietly screaming things like: Get off Facebook. It's doesn't matter that it seems crazy, just do it. Buy some vintage linen and some embroidery floss and learn a few stitches. Cook food - real food - the kind of food you want to eat and the kind of food you want your kids to crave as adults - nourishing comfort food. Stop fucking caring about whether the way your brain sounds these days is "too" anything. Stop that shit right now. Just think your thoughts and make your choices and do not worry. Do not. Hot damn, girl, just listen to me.
I like my intuition. She's a little bit bossy, but I trust her. I'm starting to think I might start doing whatever she tells me to do. She knows me better than I do, and can't you just feel how loving she is? Plus, I like that she's so contradictory, what the quiet screaming and the loving bossiness. She makes me feel so normal.
It's occurred to me that she sounds an awful lot like that God people keep talking about.
I've been asking myself a lot of questions. Do I need to stay public? Is there still merit in it? Do I have the balls now to be who I want to be for real? I think I have most of the balls (I'm not sure how my intuition feels about me using the word 'balls' so much). But the fact is that I want to shift the conversation. I want to talk about crafting and cooking and how I keep my life organized and on track and how and why it sometimes goes off the rails. I want to talk about the little miracles I find and how, for a moment, time stops and I get it. All of this - this feeling of "Oh, wow, that's what this is supposed to feel like," and the moments of feeling like a real-life grown-up who's managing her life and not just hanging onto it - it's new for me. And I want to share it.
I'd like to get better at this blogging thing. I plan to post more regularly, and I to write posts that excite you and that I enjoy writing. I also plan to go deep into big subjects that actually matter. And I plan to come out the other side, having opinions I feel proud to stand by.
I recognize now that the old me had wonderful intentions and a whole lotta guts. She was brave and she was scared and those two things together are a wild cocktail. I also recognize that that girl has grown up. She's a gal now instead of a girl and she wants to tell her stories, too. But in order for this space to continue existing, it needs to change when I do. I can't stay fucked up and lost because it's what we're all used to. That is, of course, what I was unconsciously doing.
I don't want that for me and I know you don't either.
For now, I've gleaned everything I've needed from the breakdowns; my process of coming undone has ceased to be useful.
I bow to the tears and I cry for the loss and I will continue to beg my intuition to guide me. I already know that she has said Oh, honey, of course I'll be there.
The grief has ebbed.
It is time to begin.
Here's to human syncopation and Love's relentless call and the ways we think we know and then we don't.
Hot damn, hot damn, hot damn.