Oy.

The right words aren't coming.  So I'm just going to start typing things and they might not make sense all together, but maybe they'll work in bits and pieces.

I don't know what you need.

The things that work for me, that make my life hum a little bit smoother?  Those things might make you feel like shit.  

I remember someone telling me, when my daughter was almost two, that her daughter never screamed like that when she was my girls' age.  Hadn't I tried X or Y or Z?

I remember thinking, "Your kid is a different human than my kid."

And that's when I became a mother to my child instead of just a store-brand mother.

This summer I was asked what my spiritual superpower is. 

My answer: my willingness to be publicly transparent and vulnerable.

Please note that I did not say: my ability to give people just the advice and wisdom they need to make their lives feel fulfilling and meaningful.

I don't know what you need.

I barely know what I need.

I seem to discover what I need slowly, in bits, over time.

It's ludicrous to think that what's worked for me will invariably work for you.

Realizing this seems like - just maybe - a real step toward maturation.

I'm sorry if I sometimes seem like a know-it-all.

Really, I'm just a desperate student who's trying to find her way toward significance.

And it's pretty embarrassing and endlessly humbling to know how little I know about the basics.

It's late-ish and I'm tired and this is barely coherent.

But I needed to start saying some of these things.

Because I'm sorry.

Because I'm human.

Because I don't know how much I don't know even though I know I don't know much.

Oy.

xo,
*E

PS: I've been thinking about a whole bunch of stuff for days and days and tonight, I read this from Janelle at Renegade Mothering and holy shit.  Just go read it.  She says everything.

PPS: I realize this post is weird.  Sorry.  I'll try again tomorrow.