Things That Make Me (Gently) Homicidal.

  1. The approximately thirty-one bags of tortilla chips in my pantry that have about 1/3 C. of crushed chips left at the bottom.
  2. Thinking we've run out of trash stickers. ALSO SEE: actually running out of trash stickers.
  3. Wanting to wear a skirt and then realizing I forgot to shave my legs and so needing to wear pants and then feeling off all day because I'm not wearing what I want.
  4. Laundry, in all forms that are not Clean And On My Body.
  5. Remembering to clean out the lunchboxes many, many hours too late.
  6. Cheese stick wrappers.
  7. No clean towels in the bathroom as I'm standing there, dripping, after a relaxing shower where I remembered to shave my legs.
  8. Way over-sweetening my coffee. ALSO SEE: running out of coffee (because fucking obviously).
  9. Those postcards that come in the mail offering you a free vacation if you go and sit in an hour-long presentation about a travel agency (that is always being conducted either during working hours or bedtime hours), and how they make you AND your partner show up instead of just letting one of you come, therefore making it impossible for you to prove to your husband that it is NOT, in fact, a scam, and scoring a free vacation. Gawd.
  10. Finding a stray hair in a completely random and inappropriate place, noticing said hair's length, and wanting to die when I realize how long it must have been there. ALSO SEE: why didn't anyone tell me?/THANK GOD no one mentioned this.
  11. "Please use a napkin. Please eat neatly. Please don't wipe your FACE ON YOUR ARM AND THEN ON YOUR CLOTHING."
  12. The crumbs on the cutting board that we use for toast that are always, always there, no matter how many times I wipe it down.
  13. Rotten salad greens. ALSO SEE: the aggressive smell they develop that creates a less-gentle homicidal feeling.
  14. People that have a license to drive a vehicle even though they don't know how to.
  15. Dirt in my bed.
  16. The carefully-engineered addictive tendencies of my smartphone.
  17. Opening a ready avocado and IT'S FUCKING BROWN.
  18. Not enough mayonnaise. ALSO SEE: when they only put mayonnaise on one side of the bread. Who does that.
  19. Those stick figure car decals that represent every person, cat, dog, goldfish, any-other-random-fucking-thing, in the family.
  20. Making statements that are obviously jokes and having people get all "You know, that's really not funny," and ruining everyone's fun.

*E