To Cease The Suffering, Find The Shine.

I am a ninja when it comes to getting hired.  I've gotten almost every single job I've ever wanted.  Some were in retail, others in marketing, and some were and are in food service.  I once walked into a publishing company, newly out of college, resume in hand, dressed sharply in an Ann Taylor suit my mom had bought for me when I graduated.  I asked if they were hiring, firmly shook the hand of the receptionist and gave her a warm but not-too-eager smile.  She looked at me for a moment, grinned, and went to retrieve a woman who ushered me into her office and proceeded to offer me a job a few days later.  

When I had children, I was privileged enough to be able to stay at home and do the hard work of raising them.  I went, as often happens with new moms of one and then two children, a bit insane.  When I bottomed out after doing the math and realizing that I had put my daughter to bed every single night of her life for three entire years, I decided I needed to get a job.  At the very least, I needed to get the hell out of my house, and a job would pay me for the peace and quiet I craved.  

A previous employer was hiring for a job in their HR department.  I had no experience in HR.  But I decided that I would like to have that job, and so I went about getting it.  I wrote a bang-up cover letter, updated my resume, put on the new version of the sharp outfit, and nailed the interviews.  Weeks later, I was sitting in my office.

I tell you this because when I think about the me that knows she will get the job she wants, I think, "Man, I wish I could be like her.  She's intelligent, pulled together, and confident."  I think about that me like she's a different person.  Similarly, when I think about the woman who capably, happily, and charmingly hosts at one of the busiest restaurants in town, it's like I'm watching someone else.  

What gives? 

Instead of feeling like I'm acting in scenarios like these, I think it's time to instead insist that I'm embodying my best self.  Instead of mercilessly trying to convince myself that I just need to be confident and self-assured, I simply need to accept that I am those things, and that that's okay. 

I'm not a more impressive human if I suffer.

Instead, it's worth investing in the notion that joy, belief, and levity - that these traits, too, are evidence of an evolving character.

I choose to evolve.  

And I'm tired of suffering. 

To the joy and the flow,
*E