Why Transparency Is Risky Ego Business.
It's so fucking scary and strangely embarrassing to put myself out there sometimes.
On days like yesterday, when I'm really laying it out there, I often have a stream of images in my head of friends rolling their eyes, stage-whispering snide remarks to each other over coffee, and giving each other pitying glances, "Oh, isn't she just so...".
My conscious self knows that this is nonsense - that while those things might in fact be happening, they have nothing to do with me. I know that that is true. But I'm not yet self-aware enough to not refresh my Facebook page all day long, searching for new notifications, desperate to see how valid I am as a human based on the number I see.
I also know that these feelings do not negate or reduce the other side of who I am - the confident, capable, sure-of-self gal. This is an and/both moment.
So I'm just going to keep doing what I do - writing things here, hugging people tight, drinking lots of coffee, asking my son not to throw baseballs in the house, and loving listening to my daughter scream the high parts of Let It Go.
Developing new things to offer the world, and putting them out there for you.
I will keep smiling, and will try not to worry about what you're really thinking about me.
I will try to trust that really, we're mostly kind to each other.
And with that, will remember to be kind to my tender self.